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Christian Fun - Jokes - 2!

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Watch Your Driving!

There was a woman driving a car and she was obviously stressed out and in a hurry. She would honk at the car in front, which was doing the speed limit. She was flipping it off, yelling, and when she missed the light because of that car, she was yelling and waving her fist out the window. Then she heard a knock at her window and a police officer was standing there. He told her he was going to have to take her to the police station, so he handcuffed her, read her her rights, and drove her to the station. She didn't know what she did that was so wrong. He came back after awhile and said "I apologize and you are free to go. When I saw your car had 'What Would Jesus Do' and 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper stickers, plus the Christian fish and other Christian signs on it, with the way you were acting toward the other driver - I just assumed you had stolen the car."

 
Ads That Were Found

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* Great dames for sale.

 
Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.

God lifts you up, takes you in and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, 

touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff, including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then, He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see!

 
To quote our Pastor Hinchey:

The sermon had a point about people thinking they they are in charge, and in control of making their own plans in life. He related that when he and his wife planned out their future and retirement, God dropped a baby in need in their laps, and life's plan completely changed.


"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him YOUR plan!" 

 

Actual Headlines From Newspapers

1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

(Just how guilty was he?)

2. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant<BR>

(That will save the cost of imprisoning him!)

3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty<BR>

(I say, give it to him.)

4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found<BR>

(What?)

5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth<BR>

(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)

6. Woman Improving After Fatal Crash<BR>

(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

7. Deer Kill 17,328<BR>

(Okay, who's selling arms to the deer?)

8. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni<BR>

(But can they hold up the roof?)

 
A Good Sign?

A sign at one church said "Turn Around - The End is Near!" As one car of 

obvious unbelievers raced on and kept driving, making a terrible noise, one of the people who had put up the sign said "maybe we should have written 'Stop - Bridge is Out!'" 

 
Classified Ads - Could Have Been Written Better!

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take  home.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* Great dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

* Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

* For rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

* Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

* Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


A Tomato?

Back when my sister was about 5 or 6 years old, we were watching a storm from our house in Colorado Springs. We saw a funnel cloud in the distance, toward the foothills south of us. We watched it and saw a tornado form. When we spoke about it, and saw it was likely touching down (and yes, it did touch down and 

destroyed part of a gas station), my sister exclaimed "it's the tomato that hit Manitou Springs!"

 

Who would you take?

You are driving past a bus stop during a snow storm, and you notice your best friend standing there (who, incidentally, had just saved your life last week). When you stop, you find out there is also a woman waiting to get to the hospital, in need. There is also a very attractive person who could turn out to be the love of your 

life. Since your car only seats two people, who do you give a ride to, knowing you cannot fit any more than two people in your car (not able to put anyone in the trunk or riding on top)?

The best answer is: you give your keys to your best friend, and have him drive the woman to the hospital. You get out of the car and stand at the bus stop, waiting with the potential love of your life, taking the time to talk to this person!

 
You know you live in 2006 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with family or friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up into the driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you with the groceries.

7. Every commercial has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

10. You get up in the morning and stand in line for your morning coffee.

11. You start tilting your head to smile. :)

12. You're reading this, nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly who you are going to forward this to.

14. You watch reality shows to fulfill your dreams of life.

15. You were too busy laughing to realize there was no # 9 on this list.

16. You actually scrolled back up to make sure there was no # 9.

 
Quotes

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather – who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown


Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown 

 

Some Definitions or Thoughts to Think About - Punny!

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Time flies like an arrow. 

Fruit flies like a banana.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.

His photographic memory was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.

When she saw her first gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The short prison escapee fortune teller was a small medium at large.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Dreaming in color is a pigment of your imagination.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy, your vote counts. 

In feudalism, your count votes.

Definition of a Will: a dead giveaway.

Pay your exorcist, or you'll get repossessed.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He fell into an upholstery machine, but is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France = Linoleum Blownapart.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

 
Another page of jokes next...

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