Pastors lighten up sermons with jokes as appropriate. Lighten up! It's all in fun! Jokes Below!
Married To An Insurance Man
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
In the Beginning
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ic e Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, 'You want chocolate with that?'
And Man said, 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles.' And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and
said, 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied, 'Yes! And super size them!' And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Big Red Lobsters
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."
They'll Find Us
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an
uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Top 5 excuses for when your boss finds you slumped over, napping at work:
5. "The blood bank didn't tell me this would happen!"
4. "This is just a 5 minute power nap."
3. "I need to make sure the top is put back on the White-Out."
2. "I heard a noise coming from the keyboard and was checking it out"
1. Raise your head with hands together, saying "In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen."
Choose the Sermon
One warm and sunny Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
THE OLD PASTOR
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of
us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
In preschool, the 3 year olds were asked, "What does snow turn into when it melts?" One little redheaded girl said, "Grass!"
Here are some signs on the marquees of churches - clever messages!
=> Looking for a sign God loves you? OK - God loves you!
=> Is your life on a Rocky Road? Come try Sundae School!
=> Free Trip to Heaven! Details Inside!
=> Easter isn't Lent - it's Given
=> Let's meet at my house before the game - God
=> Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church
=> Heaven is a cool place
=> ATM Inside - next line reads "Atonement - Truth - Mercy"
=> Sign Broken - Message inside, this Sunday
=> Looking for a lifeguard? Ours walks on water
=> WalMart isn't the only saving place in town
=> Swallow your pride - it contains no calories
=> Keep using My name in vain - I'll make rush hour longer - God
=> God does not believe in atheists, therefore, atheists do not exist.
I take it back
In the aftermath of Denver blizzards, for several weeks most parking lots were reduced in size due to storm snow pile-up from plowing and shoveling. One man was driving around, looking for a parking place with no luck, needing to get to his appointment. He started to pray to God, and promised to give 10% more in tithes to the church, if he could get a good parking place. Just then a car up ahead began to pull out of a good parking spot, and immediately the man told God: "nevermind, I see a spot".
A teacher was helping the children understand different religions, and asked them to bring to class a symbol representing their church.
The next day a boy said, "I'm Catholic, and this is a rosary."
Another little boy said, "I'm Jewish and this is the Star of David.
A little girl said, "I'm Lutheran and this is a casserole."
Computer Tech Support:
Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Computer Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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